A needed update

I regret that I have not updated recently, despite the fact that I have been somewhat active on the goings on of the internet. To give a quick summary of my actions I have been hanging around The Wotch forums and El Goonish Shive forums to show some common decency (I even got a "dear John" response from Anne), I have been looking at the complete destruction of one of my previous targets (I will keep it at that for now, until I have some measure of progress) and I have been devouring information regarding hacking. The internet may be comprised of people who may be swayed by words, but unfortunately actions may often have to be taken it order to make progress.

So, where am I looking now? As of now, I am looking for some other failure-laden fandoms to showcase the stupidity of people in mass numbers. The current target?

I give you Spells of Magic, a website dedicated to wannabe pagans and goths everywhere.

Now, I am going to assume that most of my readers have had a childhood at some point (unless it is true that trolls simply come into being under a bridge to harass people). In said childhood, many people had fun playing wonderful games of make-believe. Kids would have hours of fun pretending to be cowboys and Indians who would kill and pillage each other. I think most of the games inevitably dissolved into an argument of who shot who and who had a magic force field and who was a big stinky doo-doo brain (Not exactly far off from the online role-playing of today, interestingly). Thankfully, children manage to keep their compulsive lying and make-believe to themselves and grow up to be frustrated accountants. Well... most of them. The advent of the internet has allowed a new age of lies to blossom. People claiming to be 16-year old girls, people claiming to bench press 9001 pounds and finally, people claiming to REAL wiccans with REAL majikk (many claim that the spelling is from the arcane root of the "craft", but I am more inclined to believe it is just bad spelling. More on that later.)

And yes, indeed, the website has everything from e-fortune telling to an assortment of retarded spells. Everything from breast enlargement and fire summoning to SEEING JESUS or RAISING THE DEAD! No, I am not freaking kidding. Of course at the bottom of the site there is a nice little disclaimer that says "For entertainment purposes only." This is in fact very true, as I am endlessly entertained by all the people treating this MAJIKK as SERIOUS BUSINESS. Browsing the forums and watching people ask for/make up spells never ceases to amaze me in the gullibility of people. Maybe they are just pretending for some fun, but I have seen too much of people to not realize that some are stupid enough to take this stuff seriously. I have no doubt that some lonely girl (or maybe even boy) has smeared crap over their chest and said some badly misspelled poem for bigger breasts. Maybe even through the "magic" of the placebo effect, also known as self-delusion, they may have imagined themselves with new jugs.

The assertion of these spells being "real" is answered like this on the FAQ:

"Are these real magic spells? Do they really work?
Yes, these are real spells. These spells are not just made up on the fly, they have been used for hundreds and sometimes thousands of years. Some of these spells have been found in an old Salem library, others were found in old and forgotten towns around eastern Europe. We have tested each of these spells and only include new spells which we have success with. "

I have difficulty believing that old Salem witches had such abysmal handwriting, spelling and intelegence. If so, then I assert that their burning was completely justified. Observe:

Pilgrim: Forsooth! I doth declare yonder maiden a witch!
Other Pilgrim: Hark! Why wouldst thou make such an accusation?
Pilgrim: For she speaks with a tongue from Satan!
Witch: NOES! IR nt a wch! :(

Also, the forum is crawling with goths and angst. The faq has another gem amongst its questions:
"I am very unhappy and contemplating suicide, can you help me?
Please call the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433). This is a toll-free call, available 24/7."

That's one way of keeping your members. Try to stop them from inevitably killing themselves. After all they have every reason to be depressed:

"I have tried casting your spells many times but they always fail, why is that?
There could be many reasons for a spell failing. The ingredients could be wrong, the chant could have been said incorrectly or your own personal magic powers may be weak. Practicing magic will increase your own personal magical powers. You can also check out our tips page for more ideas on how to cast your spells."

TL;DR If it don't work, you suck.

I really could go on, but you get the gist of it. And what is to be done about this stupidity? I believe a personal visit from the patron saint of common sense is in order. Until next time.