Re: Synergy (Or: A very special update)

This blog's latest post regarding the antics of a certain gender-confused webcomic artist spoke to me in it's expert attempts to take a few shots at an author who is corrupting the masses. Anne Onymous, for all his faults and failures, is a greedy hack getting money off of badly drawn masturbation material but comparatively looks like a freaking saint when standing beside JDR.

To make it clear before I begin, I, unlike Fletcher, am not on board with the idea that being transsexual is "okay," mostly because there are other options than removing your reproductive organs when you are unhappy with your birth gender. Psychology has ways to putting this issue into a more healthy direction and I think a drastic measure like that is simply making things worse. I suppose, a cross-dressing, semi-bisexual probably isn't the best author in the world to be reviewing this kind of website, but Fletcher had the right idea, so I suppose I'll roll with it.

I suppose this is an interesting look at hivemind dynamics, considering every Borg collective needs a queen, we have the ranting and raving blob himself. People want to belong in the world around them, so they tend to cluster around someone with the most charisma and direction (or in JDR's case, gravitational pull). JDR found a common ground to pose as an expert in and decided to use it to leverage her bizzare outlook that men are inherently evil. I suppose it's sour grapes. After the high from all of her female hormone treatments had worn off and she came to grips with the fact that she really DID like girls after all, I'm sure she needed the support of other weak-willed people to "confirm" that her decision was for the best. Hence, she called upon her fan-collective of transsexual.org and her miserably horrible webcomic to fill the need for emotional stability.

I suppose I consider Anne a pre-evolved version of JDR. JDR came into massive money by a stroke of dumb luck by playing the dot-com era to its fullest. When he achieved that much power, it short circuited his ego and essentially turned him into the god-complex nutcase that he is today. When Anne hits the "big time" through the daily offerings of his worshipers or perhaps her obscenely retarded upcoming Nintendo DS game we can assume a similarly dramatic evolution (I am utterly thankful that the article for the game no longer appears on Wikipedia, giving hope that Anne has forgotten it due to lack of resources or common sense). When Anne makes her transformation into SuperAnneBitchachu, I assure you it will NOT be pretty. I honestly wonder if all the donations are going to Anne's efforts to make his self-insert more accurate by going under the knife. I really hope he's too much of a wuss to do it, because the last thing we need is another JDR.

But cutting to the chase, my work on The Wotch's trollfic is coming slowly at best. There's a fine line between messing with the readers and getting them just clueless enough to continue to the ending where their entire fandom is trashed right before their eyes. I am trying to fill it with as much memes and lulz as possible and will try to make it epic for any Anonymous wanting to persue it.

I'll probably get some practice in by spamming some other horrifyingly disturbing TG sites with some troll fics for a little target practice. I would encourage the (zero) readers to join in these hijinks, as it's one more way for TG fetishists to learn to leave their fandom quickly.

Happy New Year.

The Wotch: Shame of the Internets

Regrettably the older and more popular brother to this blog is on hiatus, leaving the spectrum of webcomics prancing along in their magical meadows of moronic mediocrity without anyone to bash their skulls in with the brick of common sense, leaving some leeway to do so myself.

Now, The Wotch has already been expertly ripped to shreds by my currently absent inspiration, but the idiocy stemming from this heap of failure has been growing well over 9000 since that point. From someone who enjoys reading literature that isn't filled with plotholes, fetishes and homosexuality (I'm looking at you, Anne Rice), it is rather disturbing seeing a wannabe woman pulling in money from ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. I am well aware that webcomics really don't fall under the category of literature, but no matter how the story is told, it still has some worth (or in the case of Man Onymous, lack thereof). After watching the entirety of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (at the request of a friend. I assure you, I will be ripping that fanbase a new one when I get the chance), I have found exactly where he has been getting his ideas for this comic (aside from stealing the plot from online roleplaying).

Watch this:

Anne = Buffy- Chosen one to defeat evil. Chipper to an insane degree. Prone to inexplicable emo followed by return to cheeriness.

Anne = Willow - Magic. Lots of it. Willow even tried to turn some guy into a girl at some point.

Thing one and thing two (Robin and Comic book guy) = Xander- Secondary character. Value of cattle in the story. Moo.

Shop guy = Giles- Expository information guy.

Miranda (Dyke Teacher) = Giles again- Wotcher? Training overlord that doesn't see eye to eye with her student.

Emo goth bitch...witch = Willow again- See magic.

See? It's pretty much the same thing. Never mind that the plot is the same sort of "fight the bad guy/monster/thing of the week" genre that BtVS fans drool over. Now, I'm sure Mr. "I don't like my genitalia" would give some cop-out excuse like "It's an homage." No... it's essentially a self-insert fanfiction with the names changed and personality shuffled.

Now let me get to the crux of the issue. This is basically what puts The Crotch behind Buffy. NO CONSEQUENCES. Anne can screw around with the time-space continuum or her friends' DNA and it leaves NO FREAKING REPERCUSSIONS for anyone. Now, I'm sure all the hardcore Wotchers (when they can find the time to pull themselves away from their badly drawn he-goddess) will cite this drama arc as a counter to my argument. Let's take a look at that for a minute shall we?:

Professor turned into Japanese...Chinese...Asian girl by teh 3vil Annezorz= PERFECTLY FINE WITH IT! (Okay, a little side note from the one who actually learned Japanese in class rather than copping it from fansubbed anime: IS IT THAT FREAKING HARD TO THINK OF A JAPANESE NAME?! I know the current market is flooded with all sorts of anime-sounding names, but setting yourself apart with crap like Mingmei Wu is not going to endear you to anyone. It makes you sound like a racist that thinks all Asians are the same)

Teh Meen Gaiz turned into giddy cheerleaders = ABSOFREAKING FINE WITH IT! So much so, they get their own slightly better drawn spin-off. (I love the exposition here when Anne says "It has to be a magic spell the way she accepts this weird change." Uh huh... and it is perfectly normal for her best friends to be okay with being women? Delicious irony.)

Wonderful... a story arc that promises to solve all of the mounting plotholes and retarded characters with a resounding EVERYTHING IS FINE. DO NOT QUESTION THE PLOT. ALL MEN WANT A VAGINA.

Nicely written. This truly wonderful masterpiece of excellent writing and believable characters is a masterpiece that will resound throughout the ages.

Oof... a little vomit came up there.

On the same track, Man Onymous the incredible fantasy self-insert is also freaking limitlessly powerful. For anyone who have seen the angst of Willow after her "oh woe is me, worshiping Satan for his dark power is having an adverse effect upon me," it is actually a feasible limit for her powers (never mind that plotholes keep allowing her to do so. God bless Joss Whedon, for his cannon being more inconsistent than jello). No no... Mary sue is beyond such common sense and she has infinite MP and all the spells in the world. Joy. She can toss all the spells she wants without anything but the pseudo-DBZ type fatigue that disappears when the plot wants it to.

And without further ado, the drama, the icing on this proverbial cake of excrement. Liberal applications of "Drama in a can" have made this webcomic the greatest piece of work a ten-year-old autistic child could have ever vomited out.

Well, that sums up the failure that is The Botch, but for the zero readers who I am writing to, I have a fun little project in mind for all the fans. A little satirist fanfiction never hurt anyone did it? I really hope not...

Merry Christmas.

Hypno-dopes: Round 2

(Note: Edited for coherence)

I would be considered lazy if I didn't do some trolling while I was tearing this community a new one, so after some work, I managed to infiltrate the forums. Admittedly, this was not hard, but I'd like to think it takes some willpower to willing subject yourself to this pile of defecation. For a start, I found things to be much worse here than I ever expected. For a start, the mindraping files really don't work at first. Supposedly they have some sort of effect (which I really begin to doubt) after obsessive listening. Apparently, people have to listen to these things like 3 or 4 or even 5 times per day for MONTHS. And the results are so negligible that you would likely die before hallucinating that you have cat ears or whatever. Wow... amazing results.

Nitwit 1: Daaaar.... I no get boobies.... sad tiemz.
Nitwit 2: Dood, joo gotta listen to them leik 5 tiems per day.

Ummm... if you listen to ANYTHING five times a day while tripped out in a trance, you are gonna be feeling weird. Some other nitwit was talking about listening to the file for like 6 months and getting the feeling of "two softballs" on his chest. You would be better off going under the knife if it is that important for you to possess breasts, it's better than wasting months listening to some pervert describe the sensation of breasts growing on your chest or something. Perhaps the reason it is not working it that the hypnotits- er.... hypnotist doing this HAS NO IDEA WHAT A BREAST FEELS LIKE! Apparently, hypnotism is the fine art of BSing yourself to make you think that your effort to become a woman/cat/baby/statue is actually paying off.

The "scripts" these people are using are absolutely retarded. Like the one this mindrapist had suggested was something like:

You are inside a machine... it feels warm and you love the way it makes you feel... you find it begins to press on you and you feel yourself changing. You know now that you are in a kitty machine and you feel yourself changing. Fur starts to grow everywhere all over you and you love it... you have no sexual inhibitions... you just show sexual interest in whoever you want..

It goes downhill from there. It just reads like bad TF fiction... or maybe porn. I am sure this is probably being used more for masturbation than anything hypnotic, because once again: THIS GARBAGE DOES NOT WORK!

These files promise some really stupid things like the ability to ACTUALLY change you rather than hallucinating your changes. Yes, as if they were some sort of mystical spell and this was Harry Potter or something, these files make your brain rearrange your DNA or whatever and you supposedly actually change. Forgive me if I sound a little pessimistic, but HOW THE CRAP CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND FANTASY IF YOU ARE FREAKING HALLUCINATING?! The mind can do some crazy things but going to the point of growing fur or breasts is just going way too far. These people have virtually no grasp of biology and psychology despite pretending to do so.

And speaking of pretending to be something you are not, apparently the place is also a haven for transsexuals/transvestites and all the other people who so desperately hate going to the bathroom standing up (or sitting down as the case may be). There is a metric ton of this putrid guano that claims to to "Super" female files that will turn you into a girl PERMANENTLY (Dum dum duuuuumb!). Um... once again... no matter how desperate you are to lose your manhood, messing with your mind is not going to accomplish this. I've seen the "hardcore" girl wannabes listen to like 6 or 7 of these things a day ON A LOOP. Okay, this is just sad. I sincerely doubt that this crap does what it says and makes you a pretty pretty princess but doing this for MONTHS simply HAS to screw you up. These people are effectively reinforcing their own delusions, that is all.

I literally felt sick in one of the threads...

Confused kid: I tried listening to the female file a lot for a while and I'm kinda getting scared at what I'm seeing. My body doesn't feel right...

Epically screwed up moron: Don't worry, that fear is good! You're finally becoming the woman you are meant to be! Don't give in to the guilt that society is putting on you. Blah blah blah complete BS nana nana doo doo.

H
o
l
y

C
r
a
p

I can see that girl wannabe getting struck by lightning one of these days for encouraging that screwed up kid. I can't stand the thought of this kid staying in this community being spoon-fed this garbage by wannabe therapists who simply want some sort of justification for their fetish. (Here's a tip: THERE ISN'T ONE!)

Let me end it with a request: for anyone who wants to have a little fun, TROLL THE EVER-LOVING S&$@ OUTTA THIS CRAP! I would think the world would become a better place with this excrement off the net.

For next time: I'll be covering a new (hopefully less disturbing) fetish and will be done with anything close to it for a very, very long time. I need to take a long shower. Until next time...

You are getting stuuuuupid, veeeeeeerrrrryyyyy stupid...

I would have never imagnined (although I could probably expect it) that I would hit paydirt so soon. I truly wish I was making this garbage up, but alas, this is true.

Fandom obsession comes in many flavors, but there are levels of retardation. For this example, I will use magical cloud fairies as an example, but feel free to substitute any other weirder obsession:

Mildly retarded

These people are the ones who are just spending way too much time writing bad fanfiction about magical cloud fairies and drawing creepy pictures of them.

Really Retarded

These guys are the ones who go to CloudfairyCon and dress up as cloud fairies and act out their favorite episodes of "Cloudfairy FunTime Land Z."

Absolutely Ridiculously Retarded

Here is where my targets for today reside. It is one thing to draw nude pictures of cloud fairies, it is another to dress up as one and make out with fellow (gay) cloud fairy fans and it is still another to take a one-way ticket to Mindrape Town and be hypnotized to think you're a cloud fairy.

Today's target will be Hypno-fetishism, and I assure all readers that it is every bit stupid as it sounds.

In the mists of time, about 200 years ago, some guys invented hypnotism to control the minds of women for the lulz, or something like that. I'm sure someone with a psychology degree could give a better history, but I think my version is more amusing, so I'll go with that. Anyway, as time progressed, it became accredited as a useful method of therapy for the whiny or the criminally insane and became a commonly used tool of psychology, along with electric shocks or blaming your mother for all your problems. Somewhere along the line, people figured out that attention-seekers could be hypnotized to act retarded on stage for the amusement of the masses and there were many lulz.

However, at the advent of the interweb, technology made possible to hypnotize people online. This might sound like a good idea for long-distance therapy, however, it is an extremely bad idea, because the moment anything is taken over by the internet, it is immediately put to the most retarded use possible. Take Wikipedia, for instance: encyclopedias were a great invention for students to copy for their last-minute essay, but the moment they were put on the internet, it became a giant orgy of shame and obesity. The same is true here. People who are going online to be hypnotized are pretty much asking to be mindraped.

People with too much free time went and coded programs for your computer to hypnotize you, using lights and pretty sounds. So, people started making hypnotic mp3s and files (called scripts) to make all your fun time fetish fantasies come true. Now, if some nitwit wants to be hypnotized into thinking he's a wombat or something, how likely do you think it is that the people making these scripts actually want him to get what he wants? I'm thinking that it is extremely unlikely that these things are written for anything but lulz. I am sure that somewhere in the massive mindrape spectacular, there is something about giving the person money or something. For some reason I would think it would be much wiser to trust an actual professional with a shiney degree, rather than some horny teenager who wants to make you think you are his bimbo (regardless of what your gender might actually be). Seriously, look at this crap, and you will see how colossally retarded this stuff is (Note: NSFW or humanity in general). Half of it is to hypnotize you into a baby, a woman (if you are a man, which is probably the case on this site), a furry, a statue, a love slave or all of the above. I remember reading something about a file being meant to turn the listener into a catgirl and I felt physically ill. People who are that desperate to feel furry breasts should just get a fursuit or something, because comparatively it is a thousand times better than screwing with your brain to make you think you are a catgirl.

And it gets worse with the "curse" files. Some of them claim to actually transform you or someone you use the file on. Some of them even claim to be "permanent" (aka give the little brat money in order to undo the crap he pulled on you). HYPNOSIS WORKS ON THE FREAKING MIND! IT IS NOT A MAGIC SPELL THAT TURNS YOU INTO CRAP! This is pretty much where I can see all The Wotch fans ending up in their later years. I never thought I would see such an idiotic mix of all these fetishes mixed into one giant lump of failure.

I would advise all fans of this pseudo-cult to find some REAL psychologists who aren't messing with you solely for the purpose of screwing with your mind. If you want to be a catgirl or whatever, just go and pretend to be one on the internet and stop messing with your brain.

LEAVE YOUR FANDOM WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A MIND!

Crap in a different shape is still crap

I would like to now take the time to distinguish this blog from the rest of the Blogspot mess of emo and failure by actually taking the time to write a second post. Critics don't deserve attention for simply announcing their intentions to the world, because anyone can do that. It takes someone with more than 7 functioning brain cells to actually do what they have declared. If all the people who said that they were going to quit inhaling tar and rat poison (this is smoking cigarettes for all those who didn't read the label) actually did so, the entire American economy would collapse and we'd all be homeless. So, next time you see a smoker, pat them on the back and thank them for helping the tobacco farming, cigarette, medical and mortuary industries keep afloat.

But I digress, I'm here to actually produce something of what I promised and insult a fandom bit by bit.

Fandoms are best divided into three catagories:

1. Fetishes

These are where the furries, transformationalists, vore, yaoi, yuri, loli and every other imagianble sexual diversion comes from. They turn a fetish into an entire community and insulate themselves with other nitwits like themselves who make them think that their crazed obsession is actually normal. So when they go into the real world, they are shocked to find that looking at drawings of naked animal babies having sex whilst eating each other is actually found to be offensive. So, naturally, instead of getting a clue, they start declaring that the world is being intolerant. This is known as the "fursecution" defense, and it is fairly humorous to watch in action. Why normal heterosexual relationships have gone out of style so quickly, I have no idea. I blame television

2. "True" fandoms

These are the communities to devote their entire existence to the exaltation of a media form and declare it the greatest gift to all of humanity. They include otaku, Narutards, Whedonites, moonies (Sailor Moon fans, not the cult, although they aren't much different) and all the other supposed "art" forms available to worship. This is where something perhaps mildly interesting such as a TV show, music genre or culture becomes so important to someone's life that it takes the place of a religion and leads to the endless whining of how when Captain Picard jettisoned the plasma manifold to vent the warp reactor, it violated the continuity of a previous episode or how Buffy's outfit changed slightly over a scene or some other piddling detail people with lives could actually ignore. Or the music scenes, where one genre becomes the only thing these people will listen to and they start to emulate every aspect of the musicians that play the ear garbage that churns from their stolen speakers. All in all, its just a giant mountain of failure.

3. Political fandoms

While it could be argued that this is not a true fandom technically, the characteristics it presents are not far off from them. Republicans, Hyper-conservative religions (Scientology especially. Hail Xenu.), Feminazis, PETA and all the other groups infecting the "internets" are not far off from the basement-dwellers that have long since made it their home. It is somehow impossible to go anywhere in Second Life or some other online game and to not see some political agenda being promoted. PETA e-protests, Republican e-propaganda or Feminazi e-bra burnings or some other political statement filling the putrid quagmire that is already seeping through the bandwidth and breadth of the internet. These sad people have a tendency to be the most violent and rabid, as anyone who has ever seen the protests these people have might see. It isn't the Narutards who are rioting (at least not yet, and lord help us if that happens) it's the people who are angry how a political comic has insulted their god and they want to blow things up.

Let me make it clear that a fandom only becomes truly stupid when it starts to consume the life of the fan and influence their thinking entirely through the frame of their fandom. It doesn't matter if someone likes some anime or music or some TV show or wants to vote for people who take away their money, by all means they may go ahead and do so. But when the collective view becomes their own, then they are basically checking their brains out the door and becoming the collective thickies that we have all seen in RL and AOL. If a Christian wants to read the Bible and do what it says, thats fine, as long as they are actually using their brains and interpreting what they are reading and making intelligent choices . However, if some Texan minister in a cowboy hat tells you to burn Harry Potter books (fanfics are fine) and you do so without even thinking of reading the freaking things or asking why, then congratulations: YOU ARE AN IDIOT!

Glad I could set down some standards here. So, for the next post, I am starting with the first category (I shudder to think of the research I might have to undertake). I'm likely to throw up the biggest fetishes on the net, either the transformationalists or the furries. (TFs won the coin flip, but furries do have some lulz potential, I dunno yet. I'm open to suggestion.)

Either way, until next time, keep using that squishy thing between your ears and don't be an idiot.

The Beginning of the End

For all of you who recognize where I'm going with this blog from a mile away, I have two things to say to you:

1. Good job, because I still have absolutely no clue where I'm going with this.
2. Originality is dead. Deal with it.

For the other 99% of you with the time or patience to read this, let me give you the purpose of this blog:

1. For me to rant aganist the cesspool that is the internet
2. To make a bunch of people very angry.
3. To inform people of the more disturbing fandoms on the net.
4. To convince fandom members to think for themselves (Unlikely).
5. For fun.

I'm also not going to assume this is an original idea, but I have neither the patience nor the will so sort through over 9000 posts of absolute emo, whiny garbage to find something better.

Now, for those of you familiar with the works of John Solomon, (and I hope a few of you happened to find this, because I have found some of your comments to be rather amusing) you might happen to accuse me of stealing. I will admit his work inspired me to do this, but there are a few differences I want to show.

First off, I have gone for a few paragraphs without swearing. Now this might disappoint some readers, but I want to try this without swearing because I think it makes it funnier. To use a metaphor, (and believe me, I have plenty) it is the difference between kicking someone in the balls, and kicking someone in the balls while wearing a top hat, suit and tie and quoting Shakespeare. It makes the fan-puppet look that much more stupid when I say, "I must say, my good chap, that the fan community you have associated with is causing an ill effect upon your well-being," and the reply is, "STFU!!!!111one." I don't think I'll need swearing and sex to get laughs. They tend to appear on their own.

Second, webcomics are a good area to find all the drama and internet hive-mind that one would find online, but I think there's much more potential to be found in the fandoms as a whole. In the deepest reaches of the internet, there are furries, fetishists, Narutards and far worse things to milk for laughs. Targeting webcomic fanbases is one thing, annoying an entire army of rabid fanboys/fangirls from all across the internet and watching them foam and rave is something to be appreciated.

I'm sure some would think me as a troll, but truly, I don't care whether you respond or not. I'm not looking for a reaction (I'll probably get one anyway). Besides, I can tell you that I will be one of the more civilized trolls you will encounter. I don't start flame wars. I use precision, laser-guided flamethrower wars. Most trolls just eat you if you cross their bridge. I'm gonna chew you slowly, give you a well-written food critique and toss your mangled, living body in the river. It'll make you think twice before crossing the same bridge.

I think I should also address the Anonymous Legion of Trolls that are on the other side of this horror. I hope I can present you with some delicious, yet corrupt, LOLs. Make of this blog what you will. Reader comments are always fun to look over, and sometimes (with some careful examination) I can understand them. If you guys have any fandoms you want taken down a notch, I'll take requests.

Let me give the "too long, didn't read" version. No matter what dark corners of the internet or your basement you might hide in, I am going to find and ridicule your media cult and show you exactly where you went wrong. I am going to show you the darkest parts of fandumb (Yes, I'm going to use that joke to death, get used to it) and you are going to cry yourself to sleep. I leave you one warning:

Leave your fandom while you still can.